看圖作文在英語作文中是大家普遍缺乏練習的一種類型，一個提高的方式就是看范例和點評，針對其中的錯誤進行自我修正。

 

手機依賴癥：

 

 

 

寫作原文

 

What a thought-provoking picture. (!)In the picture, although setting(sitting) on(改為around，用on意為“坐在桌子上”) the same table for dinner, people are completely absorbed in their mobile phones, and they are communicating with others through QQ, playing games and purchasing in the online shop(漢式思維，改為shopping online).Undoubtedly, the drawer(painter，drawer是“抽屜”) of the cartoon reveals a common phenomenon that mobile phones in our life is becoming so important that people generate the increasingly serious emotions of dependence on it. (首先，可以直接用the cartoon reveals…;其次，so important that后面的句子語法錯誤，語句不通?？筛臑椋簍he cartoon reveals a common phenomenon that mobile phones are playing a more and more important role that people can’t live without them.)Various reasons result in the problem. On one hand, with the Price of cell phones declining(語序錯誤，with the declining of cell phones’ price), the majority of people have (加the) ability to purchase mobiles phones. For example, everyone in China possess(單三，加es)a phone. On the other hand, with the development of technology, the function of mobile phone is becoming very strong(中式思維，改為powerful), and more and more people are fascinated with its diversion(應為“消遣功能”，加function) .And above all, modern people are always too boring and exhausted, and they need somethings(something)such as cell phones to relieve pressure. Ultimately, many people are becoming salves(slaves，salve是“藥膏”) of phones.In my opinion, mobile phones are making people in hazard(用在這里不合適，夸大了手機對人們造成的影響。可改為mobile phones are harmful to people in some respects). People always waste lots of time on mobile phones, which can not only impact the health of people but also make people ignore the real reality. Therefore, people must learn to develop the awareness of using mobiles properly.

 

總體點評

 

文章立意正確，內容切題，結構完整，需要以下問題：1、文章的內容雖然切題，但力度不夠，反映到文章中即分析原因不夠深入。比如，“由于手機價錢下降，很多人有能力購買手機”——是什么造成了手機價錢下降?“現(xiàn)代人經(jīng)常感到無聊和疲憊，所以用手機來釋放壓力”——為什么現(xiàn)代人會無聊和疲憊?2、文章觀點正確，但有一點考慮不夠全面。如文章一直在強調手機對人們帶來的不好影響，但忽視了手機給人們帶來的好處。手機除了“輻射”是自身的缺陷之外，它本質是對人有利的，焦點在于“人們應該適度有效利用手機”。3、文章有拼寫錯誤，有的已經(jīng)影響了表達，如salves(slaves)。寫完之后需仔細檢查。4、文章有語法錯誤，如everyone后一般現(xiàn)在時應使用動詞的單三形式，需加強自己的語法基礎;5、文章有的地方是中式思維，不夠地道，如“sit on the table”，需多背誦模仿一些經(jīng)典佳句，使表達更加精準。

 

參考分數(shù)(滿分20分)：11

 

英語寫作水平的提升需要不斷地練習，在改正錯誤中不斷取得進步，不怕犯錯誤，怕明知道犯錯誤卻不面對?？戳朔段暮忘c評，希望大家有思考，有提高。